Tuesday 6 March 2012

Smells I Have Smelt Exclusively in my (current) Place of Work

The dirty office on our floor has been making forays into the rest of the shared space. They have been employing their newest (and some would say) greatest weapon: smell.

It's like nerve gas, silent, deadly, and well...gaseous. Most of our battles now occur in the lobby and elevator, as I avoid using the washroom at work...

Here are some smells I have encountered in the last month, exclusively in the lobby:
  1. Sickly sweet blueberry muffins - while this seems nice, it isn't. Think of the most horrible fake fruit chemical smell, now heat it up and sprinkle liberally throughout the lobby...THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A MICROWAVE. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS HAPPENED.
  2. Fart (naturally)
  3. Sweat - keep in mind, this is in February.
  4. "Floral" perfume - think of silk flowers and lace climbing into your mouth and choking you from the inside...yea.
  5. BO - subtle, but different from sweat. You really learn to appreciate the subtleties of this kind of odour-ific warfare...

In the elevator:
  1.  Cat pee - today in the elevator, one of their hipster "researchers" came in stinking of cat pee...It was a long ride.
  2. Rotten Chinese food - but no food to be seen...Oooo! Mysterious!
  3. Dog poop - The poop itself was actually found in the elevator. So it was more of a planted weapon than a nerve gas...
  4. Dog pee - on separate days from the poop! Gotta keep things spicy!
  5.  Cigarette - this one holds a special place in my temple of shitty things...I hate, HATE, cigarette smoke... The way it clings to everything leaving a tar-y, nicotine-y, ass piquant...*shudder*


But so what? These people are stink ninjas...You hardly ever see them, and even when you do (the cat pee elevator ride), they move in packs so you can never single them out! But if any of you are reading this blog...I want you to know...
 ...scowling in the corner, or peeking around a potted plant. I'm watching you...and when I find you I will internet-shame the stink off you.


5:15pm NEWSFLASH!!!!

I went down the back hallway...Touché.
Please tell me that's turpentine in the bottle...

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