Monday 27 August 2012

You're Doing It Wrong...

This weekend, I alternated between the mother of all hangovers, sweet potato fries with wasabi mayo, and the CNE.

So much carny goodness!

During this romp through the epitome of post-responsibility-gastronomy, I ate and saw a great many things. We began our journey at Bacon Nation, home of the "bacon-wrapped-deep-fried-sausage-on-a-stick" was...delicious.

This was coupled with a pulled pork grilled cheese (shit be off tha hook, yo).

Witness: the cause of my untimely death via blocked arteries.
It was at this point that several patrons of the CNE of *ahem* considerable girth *ahem* sat down at our table...

They brought with them a cornucopia of greasy fare...including the bacon/sausage/fried/stick monstrosity that Mitch and I shared between us, a krispy kreme doughnut burger with a fried egg, an 8" pie tin full of mac & cheese & pulled pork, and a multitude of chips, french fries, and interesting yet unplaceable odours...

Now, the krispy kreme doughnut burger should be is an abomination of sweet and salty goodness. Comprised of 2 doughnuts as the buns, a burger, cheese, bacon, and a fried egg...the shame is optional.

I have watched people eat these in the past. Usually laughing at the sickening absurdity, egged on (haw haw) by their friends...It wasn't until this weekend I saw someone eating one for their own satisfaction.

This is 1500 calories without the egg and bacon...2000 calories as pictured...

It was at this point, as the table creaked in protest, that I couldn't help but overhear the robust gentleman with the krispy kreme doughnut burger berating his rotund companions...

Intrigued, I leaned a little closer...

He remarked around a mouthful of doughnut-burger-with-a-fried-egg:

"I never drink tap water. It's not healthy."

Now, I'm not one to judge someone entirely on their outward appearance...HOWEVER, I am unlikely to take health & diet tips from someone over 300lbs as they inhale a KRISPY KREME BURGER TOPPED WITH A FRIED EGG AND JUICY STRIPS OF BACON.

Ahem. The bacon is purely an extravagance.

I would also like to address the fact that tap water is perfectly fine to drink, and it's this kind of baseless pseudo-science-based-on-Fox-News-esque-impressions-and-perceptions that are destroying the world.

Obama is worse than Hitler! Also, frogs give you warts!

You, Sir, are doing it wrong.

What is "it" you may ask? Well, I'll just toss out some nouns and verbs and you can pick any of them:

Critical thought!

I was annoyed, to say the least, that as soon as he said this, his friends all jumped in with:

"Oh yea, I use a filter!" "I drink bottled water!" and "Gross!"

Good little consumers...keep on consuming. So meta.

In other news, the CNE was awesome, and included:

  • The sand castle of my nightmares!

  • Rides where you may-or-may-not die!

  • Mitch's displeasure regarding rides of great height!

  • Me squishing people in my mind!

  • Spaghetti & spicy meatball sandwiches!

  • Extremely questionable food choices (but no freely distributed & unfounded health claims!)

  • SUPER DOMO!!!!!!!! (the physical embodiment of my skill at whack-a-mole)


I could close with some pithy remark regarding rampant consumerism and the dumbing down of the population through truthiness...but did you hear? Snooky just had a baby!

Friday 24 August 2012

Yee-Haw! Internetz Round Up!

Things that tickled my fancy this week:

1) Butter sculpture of Rob Ford reading a Margaret Atwood novel while leaning on a steering wheel. (you can see it at the CNE!)

2) Gangnam Style!!!!! (Korean pop music...and you love it)

3) Toronto's Batman goes abroad:

4) Do you like Game of Thrones? Do you like CATS?!!!

5) Do you like Batman, AND singing pets?!!!

6) First, CONTEXT

Spanish lady destroyed fresco with "restoration"

And now,


Monday 20 August 2012

I'm Not Dead...!

I did it.

Or rather, we did it. Team Panda conquered the Tough Mudder in 4.5hrs.

Team Pandaaaaaa!

This was, without a doubt, the single hardest thing I have ever encountered. I was at varying points:

  • Bumped
  • Banged
  • Cut
  • Exhausted
  • Terrified
  • Electrocuted
  • Frozen
And many other exciting adjectives that I don't have the budget to put here (dafuq?).


From the very beginning, climbing a 6 foot high wall, just to reach the starting line, I was testing my strength, my endurance, and my team's (fucking fantastic) ability to boost me up walls...

They push the idea constantly that Tough Mudder is NOT a race, but a personal challenge, and they're right. There were people there from every age group, body type, gender, and fitness level. Some people could run up those ski hills (in spurts at least), and others had to crawl their way up. 

The fifth hill's half way point

My leg muscles gave out on the fourth hill, and I wanted nothing more in the world that to lie give up, to go home... Except that what I wanted even more than that was to finish the damn thing. And so I side stepped my way up 3 more ski hills.

Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, until I was at the top. Then we would do something insane, march down the hill, and begin it all again for the next hill. Right foot, left foot...

I have very few fears. Dark, small spaces? Whatever. 

Freezing cold murky water? Psssshhht.

Electricity? Umm, well, I'm not a fan...(witness my legs uselessly spasming from 30sec onwards, and me getting pulled out)...but I'm certainly not afraid...

But...jumping from a height into water? Absolutely, mind-numbingly terrifying. I can barely force myself to jump off a 2 foot high diving board...And on Saturday I jumped from more than 15 feet above the ground...

This was the hardest obstacle for me to overcome. A completely mental challenge that required every bit of courage I have...Unfortunately, in the midst of nearly pooping my pants, I forgot to plug my nose as I hit the water...and managed to fill my sinuses with muddy water, resulting in having a migraine for the remainder of the course...Oh well, Tough Mudder, right?

Yea, we're kind of a big deal...

Without the help of my teammates, I would never have been able to complete this. They boosted me over four 12 foot-high walls, and caught & pulled me up an 18 foot-high half pipe.


Approaching the half pipe

There were also two unknown heroes for me on Saturday. Two guys who literally picked me up when I was immobilized by 10,000 volts of electricity, themselves getting shocked in the process. During the Electric Eel I got 2 wires on either side of my hips, creating the perfect circuit, and causing my legs to spasm uncontrollably. I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak, but a random guy in a gray shirt saw me, and pulled me out, swearing up a storm as each shock travelled through me and into him.

Thanks Gray Shirt Guy.

Thank you...sniff sniff

The second mysterious stranger was at the finish line, as we ran through 10,000 volt wires. I was literally steps from getting out, when a wire zapped the exact wrong spot on my left calf, causing my entire left leg to seize, and pitching me forward into the mud.

It's a stock picture...I am not a man with short black wit it.

That half second stretched to hours in my mind. I turned to see a stampede of people heading towards me. I attempted to stand, but my left calf had contracted into a muscle cramp from the electricity that was still pumping into it... Suddenly, a random guy ran back to me and pulled me up and away from the wire. I don't even remember his face, but whoever and wherever he is...Thank you.

My heeeeeero!

I don't know if I'll be doing Tough Mudder 2013. This was about proving to myself that I could do it. I fought through pulled muscles, pain, and exhaustion...and I did it.

If I did it again, would it have same importance? Would I have the insane stubbornness that allowed me climb those goddamn hills when I had nothing left? I don't know.

Team Panda, holding our wood.

For now, I'm content to relive the day that I became a Tough Mudder... and I'll think about 2013.

Team Panda, FTW!!!

Gratuitous post-mudder injury pictures:

Elbow pain.

Bicep pain.


Friday 17 August 2012

I am Become Tough Mudder...(almost)

Tomorrow, there will be mud...

At 11:30am tomorrow, my roughly 5 weeks of ACTUALLY going to the gym (and shamelessly avoiding running) will hopefully pay off.

They say it's going to take 3 hrs. I'm aiming for under 6hrs, and hoping that I can make it in 4.

Am I ready...?

Well...In the past few weeks, I've impressed myself. I started off squatting 45lbs (and nearly dying), and this week I squatted 105lbs without breaking a sweat. I went from bench pressing 45lbs (and nearly dying) to 65lb this week (and nearly dying). I'm stronger, faster, and more likely to not die...I hope.

It may not be pretty, and there may be a lot of swearing. But I'll see you all on Monday, as a Tough Mudder.


Wednesday 15 August 2012

Mens Rights vs Females in Comedy...FML.

So, I look through the Mens Rights forum on Reddit.

...I know. 

It's simply an exercise in stupidity, and only raises my blood pressure...but know thine enemy, right? RIGHT?!

There are a VERY SMALL AMOUNT of legitimate issues. Mainly to do with divorce law & custody, encouraging abusive behaviour towards men (how many rom coms have a girl slapping a guy to the cheers of all around?), and more insidious issues like what is happening on airlines.

BUT...when the majority of the posts and posters tend to harp on issues like:

...It's hard to take them seriously, even when they are bringing up salient points.

So, where does this all come together in a hilarious blog-y format?

Right HERE (excerpts below), when they delved into "female comedians". Prepare yourselves for stupidity on an epic scale:

Discussion about female comedians...

"I've been trying to get into female comedians more, because I feel like the gender of the comedian shouldn't matter--it should be about the jokes."
Let's take a moment to go over that opener, shall we? "I've been trying to get into female comedians more". Huh, I didn't realize one had to enjoy comedy on a gender by gender basis...but please continue with your undoubtedly brilliant observations...!
"But in talking with a friend of mine, it became clear why we like and prefer male comedians--in some respect, we laugh at the comedian as much as we laugh with them. Louis CK, Patrice O'Neal, Dave Chappelle, and other male comedians talk as much about their own failures, their own fatness, or their own stupidity as much as they talk about anything else. And the weird thing is, it's okay to laugh at them! When Patrice O'Neal calls himself a "fat fuck," we can say "yeah--look at that fat fuck's fucking fat! That's a tubby son of a bitch right there!" Dave Chappelle actually stopped doing the Chappelle Show because making fun of himself, of others, of black stereotypes, all stopped being funny and just started being insulting. And I think all comedians, as a requirement of comedy itself, are willing targets of that sort of good-natured abuse; they're fools, and we treat them like fools. That's why they can say anything they want, because ultimately nobody has to take them seriously."
I know a lot of people in comedy. Men and women, fat and thin, stand up and sketch (and improv and clown and blah blah blah), who would be LIVID at this douchebag's EXTREMELY NARROW interpretation of what comedy is. Also, note that Patrice O'Neil died recently from complications of diabetes...extra points for callous post!

Shall we continue? 
"George Carlin called himself a professional "foole" for just that reason."
Dude...George Carlin was not someone you laughed AT. He is spinning in his grave over this bullshit... 
"But female comedians suffer from the fact that they are women, and therefore we as a society literally can't make fun of them."
Can't. Talk. Anger. Rising... They suffer from that fact that they are women?!!! Mr. Poster, are you telling me that comedians like:

Can't laugh at themselves? And that they aren't funny? Gee, I hope not... That would kind of make you look like a moron... Moving on:

"Being a comedian usually entails being fat, being ugly, being stupid, being a negative stereotype, being a failure in life or love, or generally being on the receiving end of a shitty world with no real recourse except to perform for the attention and laughter of a group of people in a basement. We don't laugh at comedians for their great accomplishments or their amazing good looks; we laugh at them in some sense because we're mocking them and judging ourselves as lucky by their standards--even with the best of intentions, the nicest audience in the world."
You're an asshole. Signed, Stephen Fry & Stephen Colbert & every other comedian in the world who isn't Carrot Top.

Not stupid, ugly, fat, or a negative stereotype. BAM.

"The only way it seems to me that we could take women more seriously in comedy is if we took them less seriously in life; we would only be able to have women be as successful as men in comedy if a female comic could stand up and call herself a "fat fuck" and a "tubby piece of shit" and the men in the audience could agree with her without fear of pissing off their dates, wives, girlfriends, and the general female public."
Some female comedians do stand up and say that, and if you're too afraid to laugh at a comedian making a joke, then I'm afraid your testicles may have gone astray. Here, you can borrow mine. *splut*

"As long as there exists our current level of social opprobrium against anything negative said about women, womanhood, femininity, motherhood, or anything connected to the female gender, female comics are occupying a place where it is socially, morally and even legally more advantageous to be silent and uncooperative than it is to be a good audience member."

First off, good job on finding the thesaurus. Next, you do realize that we spent the last year listening to the US debate what a woman could and could not do with her vagina... And, if I recall, in February Rush Limbaugh crawled out of the depths of Mordor to call Sandra Fluke (a Georgetown law student, speaking about access to birth control): 

"... a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She's having so much sex she can't afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We're the pimps."

But no, you're right, women occupy a place in society where it is NOT commonplace to criticize anything about "women, womanhood, femininity, motherhood, or anything connected to the female gender" mistake:

Ooooops! How did that unrealistic standard of female appearance get there? Must be opprobrium!

His post goes on, but I won't bore you with the rest of its drivel...Instead, here are some "brilliant" commenters on the post! (grammatical errors included):

  • Maybe its because allot of them aren't funny, those that make it big don't focus on being a woman but on being funny.
    Another issue is confidence, for example how many female comedians do you see on panel shows? very few, this has often been attributed to women being less confidant and more quiet, they get less jokes across and are a wasted seat compared to someone who would be louder and make more jokes.
  • there are some good female comedians but its important to state that not all male comedians are good either.
    i think the reason female comedians don't do as well as the male ones is because most of their jokes centre around "my husband is an ass" and there is only so many of those jokes you can do before it stops being funny and started getting offensive.
  • I am not sure. I was thinking about this before but there isn't many female comedians in the first place. Sarah Silverman I think is the most famous one, and I just don't find her jokes very funny. Who else?
    I think what you're saying has merit though. Also consider sitcom shows were the common trope is the fat incompetent husband and his hot attractive wife.

There is SO much to address here...the fact that they can only think of ONE female comedian, the fact that, according to them, women on panel shows are a "wasted seat". The fact that DESPITE NOT BEING ABLE TO NAME ANY OTHER FEMALE COMEDIANS they state that "...most of their jokes centre around 'my husband is an ass'..." Yes, you've hit the nail on the head Detective! How brilliantly you've broken down the comedic stylings of:

  • Tina Fey
  • Ellen DeGeneres
  • Kristen Schaal
  • Amy Poehler
  • Janeane Garofalo
  • Maria Bamford
  • Kristen Wiig
  • Samantha Bee
  • Joan Rivers
  • Any one of the fantastic ladies performing at Chicka Boom
  • or any other of the fucking fantastic ladies I've mentioned in this post

For all the guys out there who think that:

  1. Women aren't funny
  2. Women can't be funny
  3. Women have it easier in comedy
  4. or that things are equal in comedy


I won't call you an idiot, and instead will give you the benefit of the doubt by saying that you are Woefully ignorant of how the world of comedy, and the world, really works.

I would like to leave you with an article that was written by Roseanne Barr, a game-changer in the world of sitcoms, and in the world of comedy.

We've come a long way, but there is a long way to go, Ladies. Now, let's go be fucking funny.