Friday 27 April 2012

Friday (Film) Series pt 2!

Right off the top, here is why I've been somewhat absent in posting:

WHY AM I BLINKING SO MUCH?!! I don't know. Here is the alternate version I did but decided was mildly unprofessional:

Comedy gold amiright? Word.

If you want to come and cheer me on, I'll be pitching on May 9th around 9:15am (exact time tbd), and I promise that, at the very least, I will not be drunk and I will have pants on.

But, I promised old films that I did in the past, so here ya go! It's a short documentary on my uncle Michael Harris:

Thursday 26 April 2012

Why Trump Can Suck It.

Yesterday I attended a film & tv industry shindig at the newly opened Trump tower in Toronto. This was an event to network with people involved with and/or attending the upcoming Banff Festival in June, I got my invite, RSVP'd, and off I went.

Ok, let's start with the ridiculous over-swank of the building... There were no less than 3 finely tailored gentlemen working as concierges, and no less than 5 finely tailored persons (complete with white gloves) directing people through the lobby...which MIGHT have been 30 by 30 feet. Not exactly the tantamount to crossing the Sahara...but you wouldn't know to look.

...Then I wander in.

I'd classify my "style" as awesome. Or at least faux-hipster chic...or at least artsy. Ok, NOT hobo.

I feel pretty cool, I'm going to a party at the Trump tower, I got muh cool shoes on (only $14.95!):

My Mom's blue jacket circa 1970-something:

And my little green cowl that I done did knit:

I am rocking out hardcore, and of the many monkey butlers at the Trump tower immediately descended on me as soon as I tripped through the revolving door and very curtly asked me "Excuse me, can I help you...?"

In my super-cool-professional voice I respond:

Double chin is not part of a fanciful reconstruction. That shit comes for free.

Amid raised eyebrows I was directed to the elevators and the 10th floor. I received equal treatment at both of the open bars at the event... Listen guy, you pour drinks, and you pour them without smarm or you no get tip. Capiche? Oh no, you did NOT just raise your eyebrows at my fantastic striped shirt that was only $12.95... *sassy head bobble*

I am classy as poop, yo.

I don't what kind of a ship you run Trump, but I don't like it. Take your terrible hair and get out of my city.

Also, who changes an open bar event into a $13.50/wine event half way through? *tsk tsk tsk*

Wednesday 25 April 2012

Girls, What Gives?

So there's this show. It's called Girls, and like, it's kind of a big deal.

...Which is to say it's been making waves. Both good and bad.

I've been writing a series that is about the same point in life, but approached from a totally different angle, so I've been rubbing my hands together and watching this show's successes and failures as a near-case study of my own show's potential reception.

It's been a grab bag of feedback, and I can't help but catch the whiff of pissy jealousy from the internet peoples who have been raging on about the show...

I'm going to ignore the positive feedback (which it got tons of), because hey, no one cares about being positive! The first negative thing I saw was a photoshop-ing of the poster:

"Huh..." I said to myself. Then followed with "Who the fuck is Laurie Simmons?", and finally, "Do I know a single Bad Company song?! Where they from the 80s?"

Dafuq people?! First off, since when has nepotism NOT been part of the industry? Or ANY industry for that matter? Almost every job I ever got, whether it was bartending at the El Mocambo, or selling soap dispensers at Umbra was because I knew someone who worked there and could put in a good word for me... If I'd had any brains I wold have gone into computer hardware design so I could take advantage of all the nepotism my dad could generate for me...

Secondly, aside from being the daughter of a newscaster on NBC, none of these actresses have had an "in" so great as to be called nepotism. Seriously, who the fuck is Laurie Simmons?! (for those interested, wikipedia shows us the light) Also, if being the "daughter of the drummer from Bad Company" gets you the lead on a tv show, I wonder when kids of the Moody Blues are hitting the silver screen?

At this point I have to consider the possibility the show is shitty. Why else would the interwebs be raging with the fire of a thousand overheated pizza pockets? So I pulled out my trusty HBO on demand and watched the first episode... IT WAS GOOD. Not amazing, not "oh my god Imma poop myself"- amazing. (What is though? Ew.) But for a pilot that was written by, directed, and starring a 24 yr old woman...?

Lady got mad skillz, yo.

Dare I say it just possible that some people out there in the world of interwebs are a wee bit jealous?

And another complaint I've seen flying around is that the show's 4 lead girls are all caucasian. Well, not to be an asshole, but here's a list of shows that no-one seemed to give a crap about being whitewashed:

  1. Sex and the City
  2. Friends
  3. Entourage
  4. Seinfeld
  5. Cheers
  6. Arrested Development
  7. Two and A Half Men
  8. Modern Family
  9. How I Met Your Mother
  10. Bored to Death
  11. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 The point I'm trying to make is that it seems a little odd to single out this one show, after only 2 episodes, and call it racist when the VAST majority of popular television has the same amount of non-white representation...

Frankly, I can't get the idea out of my head that a bunch of guys in their mid 30s are looking at a 24 year old girl who does not fit the ideal of mainstream beauty, and are jealous as fuck that she has more talent in one chubby little finger than they have in their whole (debatably pudgy) bodies.

She's fat. And racist. Where's my Code Red Mountain Dew?

Lena Dunham, I think you're the bee's knees.

No resume required.

Now...give me a job.

Friday 20 April 2012

Friday (Film) Series!

Okay, so, in keeping with the Friday Series theme of bringing something old to you, here is a film I made in second year.

It made someone's mother dry-heave in the audience, so I'm pretty damn proud. ^_^

Also, here is a fucking fabulous photo I found:

Thank you internet gods!

Thursday 19 April 2012

An Epic Haiku to Hipsters

So what if it's true?
        My Generation's lazy...?
Didn't you raise us?!

If we're a let-down
Do not blame us messengers,
Dear Baby Boomers.

I need a macbook
An iPhone and an iPad
You're so mean to me!!!

I may ride a fixie
But I can't afford a car
Student debt sucks balls.

Facial piercings rule,
Your career advice is moot
You don't own me, Mom!

My earlobes look fine!
Stretching them makes me different!
I'm disenfranchised!!!

My degree in art
Seemed like a great idea once
I'm full of regret

I'm bitter as well
Told we could be anything
That's a blatant lie

Why didn't you say
Working hard is a big part
Of achieving goals?!

 I could have used that
When choosing my major, Dad...
No. I'm not kidding.

lol, omg guys!
ikr wtf yo?
y u no txt back?!

Basement apartment.
I feel you are new low
...That's pretty meta.

Honestly costs far too much
Bums have more than me...

"Things will get better"...
All this misery is great!
Art projects for years!

Look, I am trying
It's a slow uphill battle
Growing up takes time.

If I disappoint,
We should lay the blame, at least
Fifty fifty, guys...

Tuesday 17 April 2012

The Office Bathroom Saga Continues!

I guess it's to be expected... why would time change the fact that someone who shares my office's bathroom likes to smear bodily excretions on the walls?

Oh that's right. It hasn't.

The patches and smears of bloody snot have been appearing for some time now, but only recently did a note go up, criticizing whoever was leaving these..."deposits".

This did not have the desired effect. In fact, it spurred her onwards to bolder moves... She smeared bloody snot all over the sign.

I was...displeased.

Yet encouraged! Maybe I had hit I nerve! I went in for the kill with a post it note...

Touché Snot "Lady"...touché.

My immediate thoughts were to remove the sign as it seems to be encouraging her...and replace it with a good ol meme:

Monday 16 April 2012

Working for a Living, huh...Imagine That?

This weekend I signed up to do an upholstery class. I have a chair from my grandparents' basement that I love muchly...but so do moths. And my oh my, they have had their way with it...

There is nothing so terrifying to me as the prospect of a moth invasion...except a cockroach invasion. It's the horror of knowing that if you see 1 = 10,000 you can't see...!
Love meeeeeeee...!
Stay away, moth-chair!

So, once a moth infestation was uncovered, I bagged that chair in plastic drop cloths and mothballs. But mothballs smell bad. Really bad. Like, I'm-going-to-throw-up-and-I-can't-sleep bad... So I started looking into getting it reupholstered.

It's turns out that shit is expensive. The average quote was $550 for labour, and an estimated $300 for materials. And they quoted fabric as $50-$70 a yard (3.5 yards for the chair).

This was...unappealing.

So by the power of greyskull google, I found Re:Style Studio. They offer a "Bring Your Own Piece" upholstery workshop for $225, plus cost of foam etc (cost me $67). You need to bring your own fabric, but I was able to find what I wanted for $12.99/yard instead of $50-$70/yard...much preferable.

After roughly 16 hours of labour, I birthed a whole new chair into the world.

Me gustaaaaaaaaa

My hands ached, my arms ached, my back ached, hell, even the arches of my feet hurt. This was WORK. Suddenly I realized what "working for a living" was actually supposed to mean. I feel like an asshole when I say "I'm going to work!" and I sit at a desk all day, broken only by walking to the kitchen for I don't even grind.

I hate sitting, immobile, for hours on end. Give me a job swinging a hammer, or ripping out staples any day! How can you put any feeling of accomplishment on sitting on your ass, tapping at a keyboard? There's no physical product for the work I do, one flood in the office and everything I've ever worked on would disappear. It's all immaterial.

Maybe there's something to be said for a hard day's work, and the satisfaction of holding something you made in your hands...hell, I guess that's why trailer trash have so many's an easy way to feel like you've contributed...

But how the hell would I make money redoing chairs? The cost of studio space alone (at $3/sq ft you're doing well), and the cost of equipment would be killer...

But maybe, somewhere in my future is a little workshop, shared with friends, a happy dog, and piles of tools and half-finished projects.

Yea, I like that. Hell, it'd barely even be work. ^_^

Friday 13 April 2012

The Friday Series! The Last Installment!

My friends,

We have come to the end of the Friday Series. I have a week to come up with something as wonderful as Marrissa Radley-Bean...I'll do my bestest to some up with something ...


But in all seriousness, maybe I will provide you with a something that is poorly drawn by me. That's tantalizing, right? RIGHT? o_0

Well, in the meantime, here are some baby cakes...(what the hell were you thinking, world?!)

And on that note, I happily present to you...The final installment in the diary of Marrissa Radley-Bean:

Thursday 12 April 2012


I apologize for the lack of a "real" post today... I have been busy organizing to take an upholstery class...Oh, and I'm also preparing to pitch my tv that's been a bit involved.

BUT, I don't want to leave you out in the cold interwebs with nothing to entertain here is a documentary on stupidity. It's a joint CBC/BBC/NFB project, so it even falls under Canadian content!


Wednesday 11 April 2012

Dear 11yr Old Me...What the Hell is Wrong With You?!

So I came across my year book from grade 6.

Now, aside from the stylish gender-neutral haircut I'm sporting, I am also wearing an oversize t-shirt with a horse on it. The colours are all faded to tones of tan and beige on a white background. You could say that it was Provencal style.

But that would be a lie.

What it actually is, is a snapshot of a child who was weird and had no sense of style. A kid who I know everything about, but feel very disconnected to...because now I am a style queen who gets invited to ALL the parties...!

 No. That's also a lie.

But it is weird to share the same memories, experiences, and body as someone I feel completely disconnected to. For example, in the text of my Grade 6 year book I list my future career as: "Being on MadTV". Ok, not bad...except I also added: "...or working for the FBI."

Woah there Agent Scully. Working for the FBI is paper work. Not chasing aliens.

It gets worse.

I list my favourite movie as, get this... The First Wives Club.

I have no explanation for this, I assume I was momentarily insane.

...Well, I was probably so petrified of being MORE picked on than I already was, that I copied off another kid... because as everybody knows, my favourite film back then was Tank Girl.

But it did make me reflect on who I had been, and who I currently am...then made me fear about who I will be... I don't think anybody intends to grow up to be an asshole...but, well...look around.

It's like watching a colour change, it's a subtle process slowly over time...that results in a product so different from the original it's almost unrecognizable. I remember one scene in Waking Life that really stuck out to 16yr old hippy-Claire:

I guess this means the story I can tell to connect myself to 11 yr old me is something along the lines of: "This was me when I wanted to fit in, but had no idea how to, but then I grew up and discovered that fitting in was lame."

I also take solace in the fact that I'm physically only the last 7yrs worth of cells. So I'm free of all of high school's bad choices, but stuck with the bad choices from university for at least 2 more years...sigh.

In any case, here's a grim vision of the possible future Claire:

Monday 9 April 2012

Bad Poems for Those Working on a Holiday Monday

Hail, Companions! Some poems to enrich and colour your day!

Mmm, yes. Quite.

Haiku for Working on Easter Monday :

Optional day off
This should never be a thing
Seriously, fuck.

On Working For Others

I feel like my work-life balance is all wrong for the rewards I am reaping.
Please understand,
Although collation of your receipts is a necessary task,
I lack the enthusiasm I ought to have.
Or so you tell me.

A day off might improve moral,
We just had three, you kindly remind.
Perhaps the ennui could be conquered with a raise?
No, of course, I was only joking.

Haiku for Co-workers

Please stop. I beg you.
I cannot be your mother.
Wash your own dishes

Aren't you a grown up?
Have you never cleaned a cup?
I swear, I'll kill you.

Limerick for the Unemployed

There once was a girl from Toronto,
Who could fix many problems, like, pronto
But finding a job,
proved to be hard
'Twas a task that was hard to get onto

The Fine Art of Surfing the Net on The Clock

I have mastered the art of the minimize.
Command-H, my salvation and true love.
How deftly my fingers trace your form,
Working in tandem to hide Reddit and YouTube from prying eyes.

Damn gurl, you fine.

Ode to a Job that is Both Financially and Intellectually Unsatisfying

O! Each day I awaken to the prospect of you.
Looming, all-consuming.
You task me.
I return, for I must,
If only in trust,
Of a paycheck, on alternate Fridays.

Browsing Pinterest at Work

I feel this is only depressing me.
Presenting that which I cannot afford, nor craft
With my money, or free-time allotted.

I suppose I should hate you
But forgiveness is a virtue...
Aw, fuck it. Put a bird on it.*

*only relevant to hipsters.

And a final haiku, because I love shitty haikus so very very much...

Flirting with a Mid-Morning Snack

I see you cupcake
Hiding in the office fridge
Soon you will be mine

We rode together
In my bicycle, flying
Did you guess your fate?

Your death's not empty
Deftly ending hunger pains
Chocolate-iced Jesus.

Thursday 5 April 2012

Ah Doo Wut Ah WANT!

So, apparently I'm an adult now... This means I get to what I want. This the time I have waited for all my childhood... I am now, completely and truly, the boss of me.

And what do I do with this new found power? What great feats do I set out for myself every day? I was still feeling I had ice cream for breakfast.
Borrowed lovingly from

As I sat on the sofa, watching an episode of 16 & Pregnant, I ate my cookie dough ice cream, and I thought to myself..."Ahhhh, adulthood...the power to do whatever I want to!"

And then I caught a reflection of myself in the spoon and I felt a little bit ashamed...but then I ate some cookie dough, and I felt better.


Look, no one prepares you for actually being an adult. I always kind of imagined that at 18 your brain would just click and suddenly you would be responsible, you'd make the right choices, and you certainly wouldn't live out scenes from Home Alone...

 But you don't. Or rather, you know the choices you make are odd..."wrong" even (if you want to get all preachy about laziness...jerk), and then you realize YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO IT ANYWAYS, AND NO ONE CAN TELL YOU NOT TO!!!!

Moments of questioning my adulthood:

  • While dancing with the cat.
  • While dancing with the cat while unclothed (for the brave)
  • After playing video games for over 4 hrs in one day (did I say 4? I meant 6 8 9... :( I am full of shame)
  • Caught serenading the cat(s)
  • While watching Jersey Shore/Teen Mom/16 & Pregnant
  • After eating pizza chinese food bbq candy ice cream for breakfast
  • After any night of more than 4 drinks...
  • Singing Weird Al in karaoke...also, doing karaoke...
  • When getting fired up about Michael Bay destroying the Ninja Turtles
  • When choosing not to eat because cooking is hard
  • When eating poutine at 3am
  • When eating poutine with perogies as a garnish
  • I seriously consider sneaking into movies at age 26... 0_o
  • When I consider how much of my clothing has either a skull or a series of stripes...
  • Reflecting on how funny poop jokes are. No. Seriously.
  • When I ask my husband "Would still love me if I had no face? No arms? Voted for Rob Ford?"

...This is the big secret that you get in on when you become an adult...there's no such thing as adulthood...We're all the same idiots we were before, but now we can do all the stupid things we want with impunity...


Hot damn!

Nope. And now I'm gonna eat gummy bears and bacon for breakfast!

Wednesday 4 April 2012

Stop Everything!!!! ...Someone is Lying on the Internet!

I've been home sick. Nursing my sinus pain with neocitran and self pity. And during one of my less miserable periods, I surfed some internet tubes...

During these internet romps, I discovered a horrible truth...PEOPLE ARE LYING ONLINE. Yes my friends, it is true. There are dozens, nay hundreds, nay millions of people online telling lies...

They range from the smallest white lie on a dating site about weight, or height, or favourite breakfast food...all the way through to MP Vic Toews swearing up and down that Bill C-30 isn't a gross invasion of privacy.

I'm a big Reddit fan...but I got quite the wake up call about the ease of lying to an unseen audience when I came across an inventive re-telling of an event that I had personally been present at. The story was exactly that...a story. A complete fiction with elements of truthiness to it, and coupled with a gifted storyteller, to many readers, it rang true.

...I was...displeased, to say the least.

I was lucky enough to have finished high school before texting, or myspace, or social media was around. I didn't have to worry about weird bullies making up lies about myself, or people I know on the interwebs...Of course, the downside is I have absolutely no coping skills for this situation now...


Well, so what? There is no recourse, no cyber police, and lord knows I don't want to get drawn into an internet shitstorm... So I have to walk away.

It's not a great feeling, to know that someone can type away at a keyboard and fantasize about the past, changing names and face. Details and events. But it's the way it is. And at first I was really mad, but then I thought...

...Maybe that's part of the magic of the internet...? It allows people to live out their fantasies. Now that sad forever-alone can live out any fantasy they wish, and no one will be the wiser...hell, if they're a good enough story teller they may even get cheered on and have some semblance of self esteem!
You bet 'I do'!!!
Do you take this night elf to be your lawfully wedded elf?

Sure, this guy's story was a complete fabrication, crafted to ease the pain of being a chronic third wheel, whose constant financially-motivated temper tantrums finally stopped working... It helps to ease his pain of being rejected, and gives him an excuse to blame his friends for his own lack of adult skills. And let's be honest folks, nobody likes accepting blame...

This forum for spewing fantasy gives an outlet to those who are removed or isolated from social those unable to reach their fellow humans in a meaningful way. It lets them, in some sad way, feel normal.

Which they aren't.

But hey, without the false sense of anonymity the internet provide, we'd never get treasures like star wars kid, or chocolate rain! So, you wanna lie? Go nuts. The internet needs some more kooks for its meme-machine.