Wednesday 11 April 2012

Dear 11yr Old Me...What the Hell is Wrong With You?!

So I came across my year book from grade 6.

Now, aside from the stylish gender-neutral haircut I'm sporting, I am also wearing an oversize t-shirt with a horse on it. The colours are all faded to tones of tan and beige on a white background. You could say that it was Provencal style.

But that would be a lie.

What it actually is, is a snapshot of a child who was weird and had no sense of style. A kid who I know everything about, but feel very disconnected to...because now I am a style queen who gets invited to ALL the parties...!

 No. That's also a lie.

But it is weird to share the same memories, experiences, and body as someone I feel completely disconnected to. For example, in the text of my Grade 6 year book I list my future career as: "Being on MadTV". Ok, not bad...except I also added: "...or working for the FBI."

Woah there Agent Scully. Working for the FBI is paper work. Not chasing aliens.

It gets worse.

I list my favourite movie as, get this... The First Wives Club.

I have no explanation for this, I assume I was momentarily insane.

...Well, I was probably so petrified of being MORE picked on than I already was, that I copied off another kid... because as everybody knows, my favourite film back then was Tank Girl.

But it did make me reflect on who I had been, and who I currently am...then made me fear about who I will be... I don't think anybody intends to grow up to be an asshole...but, well...look around.

It's like watching a colour change, it's a subtle process slowly over time...that results in a product so different from the original it's almost unrecognizable. I remember one scene in Waking Life that really stuck out to 16yr old hippy-Claire:

I guess this means the story I can tell to connect myself to 11 yr old me is something along the lines of: "This was me when I wanted to fit in, but had no idea how to, but then I grew up and discovered that fitting in was lame."

I also take solace in the fact that I'm physically only the last 7yrs worth of cells. So I'm free of all of high school's bad choices, but stuck with the bad choices from university for at least 2 more years...sigh.

In any case, here's a grim vision of the possible future Claire:

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