Tuesday 11 December 2012

Generation Y Christmas Carols.

I've basked in the glow of Rob Ford's (probable) demise long enough (it's never enough). Time for a new post my little lovelies.

A...Christmas post? Fuck yes.

 Yes, the holidays. "That time of the year"...it's like the menstrual phase of the calendar year.

 And without further ado, I present to you my twitter-ravings...

Christmas Carols for generation Y

It began so innocently...

So. Fucking. Festive. ...where's my scotch?

Andy Williams will eat your babies. (yuletide hunting season, bitches)

I leave you with two of the best songs in the international/inter-species Christmas music catalogue:

Those dulcet tones...I'm in love?

...you probably shouldn't have watched that if you are epileptic... sorry, my bad.

Monday 26 November 2012

Rob Ford, Spectacular Loser!

Well Folks,

As I mentioned way back when, Rob Ford is an offensive moron who cannot help but shit all over everything every time he opens his mouth.

I am happy to announce what you undoubtedly already know...ROB FORD HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY AND WILL BE REMOVED FROM OFFICE!

Here is a video from me to you. I've tried to compress all my schadenfreude into an MP4:

Thursday 15 November 2012

Star Trek TNG vs The Beastie Boys

I haven't been writing much. I'm sorry. But I hope I can make it up to you...


...which is to say, I had a dream. Last night:

It began innocently enough, I bought a sugar figure in the shape of Tasha Yar, security chief:

So there I was, holding my sugar Tasha Yar. When suddenly...I had a jar of blackcurrant jam...

NOW, for all you non-TNG folks out there (ps, tng = The Next Generation, aka the best Star Trek series ever).


You need evidence?

That's your evidence. Now, STFU.

SO, Tasha Yar was awesome and badass, but got killed off by the lamest villain the franchise has ever seen...EVER. And that says a lot:

Liberace look alike will crush you! ...Kirk is...aroused.

So yea, basically Deanna Troi (terrible) is trapped on a planet in a shuttle by an equally terrible monster...THE SKIN OF EVIL.


Terrifying...? No. Really not. But Tasha ends up being killed by this pile of marmite. Everyone is sad.

Now, back to blackcurrant jam...! So I'm holding this sugar Tasha Yar, and a jar of blackcurrant jam...

I dunk. Then laugh uncontrollably for hours of dream time.

But the dream didn't end there...Suddenly I found myself composing a rap about the whole jam + Tasha Yar situation to the tune of the Beastie Boy's "Paul Revere":

And here, for you...is the rap my dreaming brain composed:

Noooooowww, here's a little story I got to tell - about a starfleet officer ya know so well! It started way back, in history, on stardate 41254 (.3!).  
I had a little figure, named Tasha Yar. Just me and my Tasha, chilling out right hurr. Running down the street, to find something to eat, when I bump into a jam seller, isn't that neat? 
One lonely jam jar I see. Blackcurrant jam, all for me...
(skip a bit...hey, it was a dream) 
She told a little story, it sounded well rehearsed. 3 days on this planet and she's dyin' of thirst. I grabbed her by the feet, and dunked her in my jar. She writhed around, she made some sounds, and then I laughed "har har".

Monday 5 November 2012

Surviving in a Survival Situation...or not.

I went indoor-climbing on the weekend, for the first time since I was about 11 years old...I also got to try bouldering:

Within minutes all the muscles in my forearms and fingers that I never knew about were making themselves heard...and they were pissed.

I watched 50 year olds, 10 year olds, and many in between scramble like monkey-men up walls and under 45 degree slopes...with ease, naturally.

I attempted to do the same...

it didn't really work out...

full of shame...and bruises.

Over several hours I got to a point where I could almost complete a yellow bouldering challenge (the second easiest level...the 10 year old aced it...sigh).

I watched some incredible climbers, swinging by only their fingertips, or leaping sideways across a wall to grab a hold the size of a cupcake (on a sidenote, I had a cupcake for breakfast. I'm content with my choices...?) , and I felt like maybe with a lot of practice, I could be leaping through the air to grab cupcakes too. Er...holds. Not cupcakes... (mmm, cupcakes).

Then I went home and, inspired by my new found climbing skills, watched The Descent ( it's pretty awesome, same director as Dog Soldiers)...thinking that my mad skillz could (potentially) save me from horrible cave-dwelling humanoid monsters...and then I saw this scene:

And realized that I would reach for the first hold, and immediately plummet to my death. Swearing up a storm the whole way down.

I started to reflect on what skills for survival I actually possessed...

Very bad flaws that I am burdened with for survival situation:
  • Slow runner (gonna get eaten by fast zombies)
  • No long-distance running ability (gonna get eaten by slow-but-persistent zombies)
  • Myopic eyesight (without contacts or glasses, I can't tell if you are a friend, or a giant monster)
  • Not good at hanging from cave ceilings (will fall or get eaten, cave-dweller dependent)
  • Allergic to various things found in nature (will give away hiding places to serial killers when sneezing)
  • Easily distracted (will venture off alone to investigate strange noises)
  • Cat lover (most likely to invite demon-possessed cat into social circle)
  • Will touch unknown flora (will give away position when screaming about firefly-floors)
  • Has been known to argue over details... (high likelihood of starting war with cannibal neighbours in the post-apocalyptic future)

...Hmmm, this list isn't giving me very good chances of survival in any situation, much less one involving zombies, serial killers, or cannibals...

On the bright side, Rob Ford is unlikely to drive to a post-apocalyptic future in his 2 remaining years as mayor...but if he gets a second term...I'll be stocking up on axes and Benadryl!

Monday 29 October 2012

Halloween and Hot Glue Burns!

AKA: How I spent the last 3 weeks.

Halloween. One of the best holidays around. A time where you can dress up and eat (free) candy, run around the city looking insane without repercussion, and where a dinner of rye and coffee crisp is fine. IT'S FINE, OKAY?!

best part of being Canadian.
pure maple-y magic. I cannot stress how great this is.

Last year, I decided to build a costume from the Portal video game series. Things went better than expected...although I did end up filling my lungs with large amounts of finely ground Bondo!

And spray paint.

 And plastic shavings.

But look at that badass-ery!

And who is that sulky Shaun of the Dead? (tee hee)

...this year, I needed to up my game.

Enter...MASS EFFECT. Possibly the greatest video game series of all time:

One of the (many many) awesome things about the Mass Effect series, is the fact that the main character, Commander Shepard, can be played as male OR female (also, gay, straight, or bi!)...and female Shepard, aka FemShep, is the most popular variation.

...oh my god...she's so badass. :D

And so, the costume challenge began!

Dremel-ing foam = horrible fine black dust that permeates most dust masks! Cut to black sneezes and future cancer scares!

But the gauntlets are looking great!

The lower back piece looks good...after 5 hours of work!

Gotta test out the lower front torso and a leg piece!

 Boob mould! This was the source of many heat gun related burns...it also turns out you can heat foam enough that it sticks to your skin on contact! Yay for learning curves!

The back piece construction begins...swearing mysteriously coincides...

Spray painting outside to avoid death via Krylon brand spray paint!

Testing zee legs! Thumbs up = huzzah!

It's all coming up Milhouse!

Electroluminescent wire provided by a gangsta auto outfitter in Scarborough...no one is surprised.

Shield indicator lights are a go!

Celebrating by spray painting! Hurricane Sandy brings rain...so I inhale Krylon brand spray paint in the basement for 2 days...





After I removed my shiny new glasses (I miss my old glasses), it was time for Halloween adventures in whiskey and candy. (oh, I also painted a Nerf gun, and note the fabulous N7 logos that Mitch painted!)

My "intense" face is more of a "I'm a little confused and hungry" face...sigh.

Halloween isn't over quite yet, but Mitch and I had a fantastic Friday/Saturday as Commander Shepard and Breaking Bad's Walter White! I'll see y'all at the Charlotte Room and on Church St on the 31st!

and next year?

Sheet ghost. Definitely.