Monday 27 August 2012

You're Doing It Wrong...

This weekend, I alternated between the mother of all hangovers, sweet potato fries with wasabi mayo, and the CNE.

So much carny goodness!

During this romp through the epitome of post-responsibility-gastronomy, I ate and saw a great many things. We began our journey at Bacon Nation, home of the "bacon-wrapped-deep-fried-sausage-on-a-stick" was...delicious.

This was coupled with a pulled pork grilled cheese (shit be off tha hook, yo).

Witness: the cause of my untimely death via blocked arteries.
It was at this point that several patrons of the CNE of *ahem* considerable girth *ahem* sat down at our table...

They brought with them a cornucopia of greasy fare...including the bacon/sausage/fried/stick monstrosity that Mitch and I shared between us, a krispy kreme doughnut burger with a fried egg, an 8" pie tin full of mac & cheese & pulled pork, and a multitude of chips, french fries, and interesting yet unplaceable odours...

Now, the krispy kreme doughnut burger should be is an abomination of sweet and salty goodness. Comprised of 2 doughnuts as the buns, a burger, cheese, bacon, and a fried egg...the shame is optional.

I have watched people eat these in the past. Usually laughing at the sickening absurdity, egged on (haw haw) by their friends...It wasn't until this weekend I saw someone eating one for their own satisfaction.

This is 1500 calories without the egg and bacon...2000 calories as pictured...

It was at this point, as the table creaked in protest, that I couldn't help but overhear the robust gentleman with the krispy kreme doughnut burger berating his rotund companions...

Intrigued, I leaned a little closer...

He remarked around a mouthful of doughnut-burger-with-a-fried-egg:

"I never drink tap water. It's not healthy."

Now, I'm not one to judge someone entirely on their outward appearance...HOWEVER, I am unlikely to take health & diet tips from someone over 300lbs as they inhale a KRISPY KREME BURGER TOPPED WITH A FRIED EGG AND JUICY STRIPS OF BACON.

Ahem. The bacon is purely an extravagance.

I would also like to address the fact that tap water is perfectly fine to drink, and it's this kind of baseless pseudo-science-based-on-Fox-News-esque-impressions-and-perceptions that are destroying the world.

Obama is worse than Hitler! Also, frogs give you warts!

You, Sir, are doing it wrong.

What is "it" you may ask? Well, I'll just toss out some nouns and verbs and you can pick any of them:

Critical thought!

I was annoyed, to say the least, that as soon as he said this, his friends all jumped in with:

"Oh yea, I use a filter!" "I drink bottled water!" and "Gross!"

Good little consumers...keep on consuming. So meta.

In other news, the CNE was awesome, and included:

  • The sand castle of my nightmares!

  • Rides where you may-or-may-not die!

  • Mitch's displeasure regarding rides of great height!

  • Me squishing people in my mind!

  • Spaghetti & spicy meatball sandwiches!

  • Extremely questionable food choices (but no freely distributed & unfounded health claims!)

  • SUPER DOMO!!!!!!!! (the physical embodiment of my skill at whack-a-mole)


I could close with some pithy remark regarding rampant consumerism and the dumbing down of the population through truthiness...but did you hear? Snooky just had a baby!


  1. But did you see Butter Rob Ford? It didn't hit the majesty that was Ham Rob Ford, but it was better than the fried coke.