I Don't Know How to be Sexy

Mum and Dad, I appreciate you reading my blog...but you can look away now. Here is a link to a video about a cat, wow*!


Okay, where was I? Oh yes, my horrible lack of sultry powers. See, I was never a girly-girl. I never watched Dirty Dancing, or Sleepless in Seattle. I hated dresses and makeup, and you would never EVER catch me swooning over boys.

At the time I felt like a super cool tomboy just like all my favourite children's book characters... but in all the books I read, they never mention that when tomboys grow up they end up awkward mannish ladies.

Any attempt at sexy dancing ends up sad and embarrassing. Witness the lovingly borrowed Hyperbole and a Half comic below:

It ends badly. Every time.


Me trying to put on makeup is like a toddler destroying mummy's cosmetics...Let's all just be happy I no longer eat the lipstick...delicious.

When I attempt to entice my husband into noticing what a sultry lay-dee I am, it's by singing the stripper song with loud (somewhat) atonal "da da da's"...I may also be dancing with one of the cats.


This just the way I am...and I'm learning to live with it. My husband doesn't mind, and if he does...hey buddy, you bought it? You got it! And if he wants someone to blame, he's going to have to take it up with George, Ronja, and Pippi...and probably Busy.


I guess What I'm saying is I better learn to deal with it, because in my core, in my heart of hearts...I am awkward and not very sexy...but I dance a mean tango with the cats.

Cowabunga dudes.

P.S.
*I know that cat.

Oh God, I'm a Dirty Hipster...

I get these ideas...these crazy, crazy ideas. "Projects" I call them, "schemes" I call them...No. They are crazy. I know this. People around me know this...but I keep doing them anyway. ...Which probably means I'm crazy.

Some of these projects have included: a livable shed with drywall & electricity, a Portal Gun (here's the original), designing & building a cabin, and making cutlery out of sea shells. The first two in that list were completed...the last two...not so much.

Le projet complet.

The Portal Gun in production

I really don't know where these ideas come from, but I'm going to blame the hipster juices in the ether. Their vintage-y, scruffy, indie rock loving, ironic sweater-wearing ways just kind of seep into your mindset, until one day the wind whistling through the holes where your earlobes used to be seems totally normal, and you pull your handknit cardigan tighter around your Saved By the Bell tshirt and ride away on your fixie bike.

But why do I suddenly fear I may be one of them? One of those dirty, dirty hipsters? Recently I was stuck with the need for a knitting machine. Yea, I have no explanation, really, none. I mean, who the hell ever needs a knitting machine? I did. Apparently.

At the time, I didn't even think about it, I just browsed Craigslist until the right item for the right price popped up. It wasn't until last night, as I was knitting an alpaca wool buttoned cowl while listening to indie music on CBC Radio 3's streaming broadcast that I realized...Oh god...I'm a hipster.

At first I felt ill, then ashamed. But then I remembered that I couldn't be a hipster, because I was knitting and listening to indie rock since before it was cool.


oh...


Fuck.





But at least I'm not this guy, amiright?

I Never Win Anything...of value.

I must have done something mildly inappropriate in a previous life. I came back as a human in a 1st world country, got all my fingers and toes, but I never win anything...of value.

I'm the person who enters a contest where the top prize is an around-the-world all expenses paid trip...and I win a subscription to a travel magazine. Hey, I get it, a prize is a prize...but still. Now I'm saddled with a year's worth of travel articles that I will never read. The pile will grow higher and higher, each month's issue adding to my guilt about the resources wasted to produce these magazines. I'll try and donate them to someone, but they'll end up, unread, in the recycling because NO ONE wants a subscription to a travel magazine.

This time of year brings with it a great Canadian contest...of course I'm talking about Roll Up the Rim. Once a year we all pretend to really want Timmy's (foul, stomach-turning) coffee, and find excuses to shamefully shuffle off in search of a cup of brown water dressed up in copious amounts of cream and sugar. ...I am no stranger to the lure of Roll Up the Rim.

I find myself planning the route I walk to encounter a Tim Hortons, I fool myself into really "needing" a cup of their steeped asswater tea and a chocolate chip muffin (but back off those muffins, they are delicious and I will cuttabish who don' beliebe), and like every abusive relationship...they smack me down then draw me back with every empty useless win.

The top prizes this year  are *ahem* (types from cup in hand): 3D TVs, hybrid SUVs, camping packages, digital cameras, giftcards, and 47million (yes, 47,000,000) "food & drink" prizes.

Who wouldn't love a 3D TV? Or a new car? Or hell, who wouldn't love a full camping equipment package? If I won any of those I'd be jumping and dancing and tweeting the hell out of the internets...

But alas, free brown water is my reward, my curse, my vice.


Please sir, can I have another? (also, insert an obligatory Chris Brown joke in here that I'm obviously too tasteful to write, but not classy enough to not plant in your head...)

That, Madam, is NOT My Job.

My job description is somewhat nebulous... At best I'm a "junior producer" who deals with clients and delegates tasks to our animators. At worst I'm a glorified helper monkey who buys chips and empties garbage cans.

Oh the glamour of the TV industry. So. Much. Glamour.

But my job has some very clearly delineated NO zones. One of those is dog pee clean up. Not to long ago I was minding my own business, staring with great concentration at a series of spreadsheets that had lost all meaning, when a dog wandered into our office.

Let me preface this by saying I LOVE dogs. They are lovely and great, and I want one, BUT, this was a little flouffy (pronounced flooff-ee, I made it, ah keeps eet!) dog whose haircuts cost more than mine... I was on my guard. It's nature's inbuilt warning system for jerks...(like when you see a fat 8yr old with an iPad...you just know they're going to kick you in the shins and call you a paedophile if you get in their way...)

So this dog prances into the office, sniffs around, totally ignores my attempts to give cuddles (with ultimately added insult to injury), then proceeded to squat and piss on our floor. Time slowed down as the pee illustrated all the tilts and angles in the laminate flooring. We stared. The dog stood up and pranced the fuck out, sprinkling a little trail of pee from her curly ass fur...which is about as close as a dog is going to get to flipping the bird.

A minute later one of the "ladies" from the floor-pooping office stuck her head in the door:

I waited for a moment, sure that some kind of basic human decency would force her to return, hopefully armed with paper towels. Eventually the eau du toilette of rancid dog pee overwhelmed my shock and I followed her down the hallway to her offices, where I stated (once again) "Your dog PEED on our floor..."

For a moment she tried to stand me down before relenting and exclaiming "Oh no! How awful!"...yet another awkward staring contest. I countered with:

"So, do you have something you can use, or do you need some of our paper towels?

She caved, and followed me back to our urine-enriched office, towels in hand.

...

Well played floor-poopers. A+ for effort, -9000 for douchbaggery.

lol, u mad?

I Shutter to Think.

One of my biggest pet peeves (behind slow-walkers and mystery-brakers) is when people screw up idioms. ...I don't think the similarity between idiom and idiot is coincidence.

Here are some choice ones, as heard in person:

• "I shutter to think!"
• "That's the last raw!"
• "Nip it in the butt!"
• "It's all geek to me!"
• "Don't look a grift horse in the mouth!"

I used to get very upset about things like this for several reasons, but mainly because it betrays that people just don't read enough anymore. Clearly, the people who used these bastardized idioms have never EVER (ever never neverev) seen them written down.

I'm also bothered by the fact that these changes (these terrible, nonsensical changes) will become permanent...It's how language evolves and changes, an accumulation of colloquialisms until the differences are too great to lump the old and the new together under one name.

The new English (or maybe we should just call it "American") will be filled with idioms that make no sense, all mumbled around KFC double-downs and Gatorade. No one will stop to reflect on the complete nonsense of "shuttering to think", or what constitutes a "raw" regardless of its place in an order.

One does not nip anything in the butt, unless one is a dog. But in defense of the ill read, I guess the general public just isn't as into horticulture as it used to be.

The Futurama writers were probably painfully accurate when they decided that in the year 3000 one axes a question.

I guess what I'm saying is:

Love, the Cat.

This is the msg my cat sent me on gchat:

34eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee4444444444444444444koooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo=----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                                                gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggytttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddx;[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[..,

"Sup baby?"

It's the most communication I've had with another living creature today... And I can't help but read into the number of zeros she's included as a cruel evaluation of my skills and potential... oh god.

Entry Level, eh?

The film & TV industry seems to have a problem with definitions. Specifically with the definition of what constitutes an "entry level" position.

In most pay scales that I have encountered, a job that is listed as requiring 2 years (or less) of experience, would be an entry level position. Someone who has held a few small contract positions, or maybe done a little time on some sets. Enough to not need a babysitter, but ultimately still on a learning curve, and the pay will/should correlate with that.

Now let's break down a TV job posting from February 17th, 2012:

Position: Research Coordinator

Year(s) of Experience: 2  <---------ding! ding! ding!

Hours: 40hrs/week, overtime as required

Responsibilities:

• Identify trends in the advertising, consumer, and competitive marketplace.    

Okay, so far this seems fair, a bit of Google and a bit of industry reading... 

•  Provide strategic insights for sales, technical and editorial sides of the digital businesses.

This seems like a bit of a tall order for someone with only 2 yrs under their belt...but hey, I love strategy...

 Qualifications: (here's where the fun starts)

•  Familiar with syndicated reporting databases and software including ComScore Media and Video Metrix and Omniture. 
•  Familiar with television measurement systems and software including Nielsen and BBM as well as hands-on experience with other relevant internet tracking software and reporting systems
• Knowledge of broadcast and digital media reporting
• Deeply familiar and passionate about interactive marketing concepts, practices and programs
• Communicate clearly and effectively, orally and written
• Strong organizational skills and proven ability to manage multiple projects, clients and vendors simultaneously
• Self-directed and enthusiastic team player with ability to meet tight deadlines
• Strategic: Able to provide inventive, but measurable, solutions for client challenges
• Creative: Able to think “outside the box” and go outside of job description to build solutions
• Bachelors Degree, preferably in business, math or computer sciences 
• Expert in all MS Office products, especially PowerPoint and Excel. Knowledge of HTML and other internet technologies

How in the hell is someone who falls in the entry level category supposed to meet all the criteria for this? More importantly, assuming that in the past 2 years they have been building their skills...who the hell would allow them to develop reports, or work with the software when they had ZERO experience?

THE WORST PART OF ALL? I don't even want this job! All the things I want to do are jobs that aren't really even advertised for. I can count on one hand the number of job postings for a TV-writer I've seen, and all of those require hours of produced on-air content, or a stint at the CFC (hey if I had someone bankrolling me for 5 months I'd go...but I gots bills ta pay).

I'm not saying that I, or anyone else should get to jump the queue. But it seems like mid-career jobs have become entry-level, and entry-level jobs have become unpaid internships...with no way to move between the two. By effectively barring anyone new from entering the industry, there's no way in...except maybe the casting couch, but you have to be asked to sit on it first (...in all seriousness I would never, I have SOME dignity left *stuffs handful of smartfood into mouth*).

All I'm sayin' is, while I may be young and I have no experience with  ComScore Media, or Video Metrix software, I'm not a moron. If I can jailbreak my iPhone, PSP, and my DS, chances are I can learn your software... and if you want someone with 5+ yrs of experience SAY THAT & pay them fairly. Don't lie and call a low-paying job "entry level", when it isn't.

 
 
 

At Least I'm Not a Moron.

The other day I got into a conversation with someone, who informed me that to become a television researcher took "a lot" of experience, and that I would have to work "extremely hard" to get a position in that field. My response of "Pffft, my Google-fu is strong young padawan!" was not well received.

But, dear reader, I am not vocalizing out of my bottom... Let me tell you a story about an "experienced researcher" that I worked with a few years ago...

We had to design some 3D lungs. Ok, cool. I think we can all more or less understand how lungs look and function, amiright? NO. NO I AM NOT RIGHT. 

This "experienced" researcher had to be brought in to guide us in what human lungs looked like (shit son, I watched Bill Nye, GTFO). She proceeded to explain that the air sacs that transfer oxygen to the bloodstream (alveoli) were present in only the right lung...because in all the drawings she had found, they only appeared in the right lung, and the left lung appeared to be solid. I kid you not.

How are you still alive? Seriously, that's amazing.

THESE ARE MY SUPERIORS. 

If, by your mid-30s, you don't understand the mechanics of how you breathe you should probably not be in charge of factual research for an educational program that will teach the youth of tomorrow...Just sayin'.

So, while I may not earn as much as her, and while I may not be "cut out" for research, at least I'm not a moron.

...

Wait. I think that makes it worse...FML.

Sink Noodles.

I work in an office where we share a bathroom with another company. The female employees of this upstanding television production house are dirty dirty people. Now, I don't mean dirty in the nudge nudge wink wink sense, and not in any sense that implies anything positive. No, I when I say dirty I mean unclean, gross, DIRTY.

But I started this with a promise of sink noodles, so let me explain:

We used to share a kitchen with these "ladies" (used in the sense that they do not have penises, nothing more) but we were forced to put locks on the cupboards after all our food was stolen, the garbage overflowed, the sink was plugged, and the last straw was when they stole an entire pound of coffee beans. Did I mention they also flatly denied these actions? Yea. Newsflash "ladies", there are 2 offices on the floor, and I found our cookie bags in your trash cans. I'm Encyclopedia Muthafukin' Brown.

Sink noodles, yes, I'm getting there.

After they were expelled from the kitchen, forced to use their 2 full kitchens two floors down (oh god the humanity!), the bathroom issues began. Plates, bowls, mugs, cutlery, napkins, and the refuse of so many anorexic lunches found it's way into the bathroom. I guess carrying your oatmeal bowl to the elevator is exhausting, and that filling it with water and leaving it to congeal in the bathroom is the better choice. Plates with sauces and salads, bowls of cereal and soup, and an endless stream of coffee mugs found their way into the bathroom, until one day the counter was filled...completely filled with dirty dishes. This was the day when someone decided that the sink was a good place to store their pad thai (see? Sink noodles. Disgusting).

At this point I had to admit to myself that my battle cry of passive aggressive sticky notes was not very effective... We caved and complained to the landlord. The dishes disappeared (briefly), but that's when the poop happened.

Poop. Yes, poop. I walked into the bathroom one day to find a sad little poo, on the floor, next to the toilet. It lay there, pathetic, and seemed to whisper to me "whhhhyyyy...?" I wished I could have given it a reason for its lonely existence on the floor, that I could tell it its mother had medical problems, or that huge socioeconomic forces had doomed it to a premature demise on an office bathroom floor...but I couldn't. I was scared. I realized that these "ladies" were masters of uncleanliness that I could never best. I muttered "Goddamn dirty birds..." and beat a hasty retreat, checking back every day to recon the poop. It lay in state for 3 days before it was unceremoniously wiped across the tiles, their territory marked.

I lock the door when I go into the kitchen now.

That's it! I'm Starting a Blog! (again)

Last Friday my mum called me, at work, because she "needed to talk to me". In a panic I answer the phone, assuming that someone is dead, dying, or at the very least enraged. Here is that phone call:

mum: Claire...

me: yes...?

mum: I think you and i need to get together and talk. Just the two of us.

me: (omfg someone IS dead) Ok...?

mum: I think we need to talk about your career.

me:

 

Let's get some context: I'm 26. I graduated from a BFA program in film (HA) in 2007. In the intervening 4 years I have: 

• done a free internship
• traveled for 3 months, thus blowing my savings
• worked for 7 months in retail
• gotten a (low-paying) job in my industry, where I have remained for 2.5 years.
• become the Thane of Whiterun.

I also got married and got some cats and stuff.

It's not overwhelmingly great. But at least I'm not strung out on heroin or a Twilight fan amiright?

But yes. I am aware my "career" is less than great. That is an accepted fact, proof even that life is shitty and underpaid. The bigger issue is her following advice:

mum: I think you should sit down and think about how much more time you want to put into this "film thing".

I was going to retort with "actually I work in television", but then I'd have to correct myself and say "actually I work in motion graphics", but then I'd have to jointly explain wtf motion graphics are & how I don't actually draw or create anything.


I constantly criticize myself for being in a job that has no further potential and leaves me dead inside. The last thing I need is an external critic. TRUST me...the internal one's got that shit covered.

But back to the issue at hand...wtf am I doing? I work on my own projects, but turning something you love into profit is not as easy and one would hope (phase 1: make stuff you love, phase 2:???, phase 3: profit! ).

But alas. I chose, and choose, to work in a field where the accepted order of things is: work for free to prove your worth, get paid min. wage to prove your worth, work 60+hrs a week to prove your worth, holy shitballs you're worth too much so we're terminating your contract. Which is ultimately the accepted order of many careers...

Oh shit. I think this is adulthood.


...


I thought there would be more free sandwiches.