Thursday, 11 April 2013

Jurassic Park...Revisited. (aka HOLYFUCKINGSHIT, DINOSAURS!)

In June of 1993 I was seven years old. I was sporting a badass tomboy haircut, I'd just learnt to ride a bike, and I loved dinosaurs.




What the...!



Not Barney. NEVER Barney. I mean DINOSAURS.


Actual exhibit at the ROM that I frequented...'cause it's got freakin' dinosaurs!

Big, bite-y, scary-ass dinosaurs.

RAWR!
I was obsessed with dinosaurs, as is every child under the age of 10. I read books, I went to museums, I drew pictures...shit, I even have my old school project on the extinction of the dinosaurs from Grade 3...it used a surprising amount of glitter glue and cotton balls...




As the sun shone down on the end of my Grade 3 year, something wonderful happened...Jurassic Park was released in theatres...


OH. MY. GOD.


I begged my parents for weeks to be allowed to see it in theatres. For ages (likely a day or two) they refused, saying it would be "too scary"...I was undeterred. I pointed out that since one of my earliest memories was Toht's face melting in Indiana Jones a few dinosaurs wouldn't have any effect...

Oh Toht, we told you not to look at it, despite it being "beautiful"...

I was wrong...


One June day, as my mum picked me up from my after school program (MCLAASP fo' life, yo) she casually asked if I would be interested in seeing Jurassic Park that evening... After 10min of hopping up and down shouting YESYESYESYES, we got in the car and headed to meet my dad at the York theatre, bought our tickets ($4 and $8...mmmm, taste that artificial inflation...), and sat in the third row.




I was ready.

Dinosaurs...you may begin.
Lights down, curtain up...cue the music...


Dum da! Dum da! Da da dummmm da dum dum daaaaaaa!
The first death was terrifying...but manageable...no dinosaurs to be seen... just a bad ass hunter yelling "SHOOT HAAAAAAR!"...Then a jerk-kid gets put in his place...


...Mr. DNA, kids introduced...

Hello young female audience member...here is the character for YOU to identify with...She knows Unix systems! :D
Big gates...

I haz an excite...

Two no-shows, and one sick triceratops...all still fine...

Poo!

And then everything goes to hell...



...Within minutes of the electric fences losing power I had lept into my mother's lap, and begun a death-hug around her neck...completely terrified. Over the next 127 minutes I had a series of heart attacks...


Here:

OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck

"Okay Claire, I think we should leave..."
"NO!!!"


 Here:
OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck


"...Claire, I think we should leave..."
"NO!!!"


Here:
OHfuckOHfuckOHfuck
Here:
OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck
"Seriously...this is too scary for-"
"NEVER!!! hold me"

Here:


OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck


"AAAAAAA!!!!!"
*sigh*

Here:

OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck

 Here:
OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck

"Haha, OMFG, AAAAA!"
"...you sure you don't want to-"
"NOOOOO!"


Here:


OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck
"HIS ARM FELL OFF OMG I'M GOING TO DIE!"
"...Claire...I can't breathe...!"

 Here:
Ooo, jello! OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck
 Here:
OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck
"...this is how I die..."
"leave?"
"never."

 Here:
OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck

Here:




...and finally, here:
OhfuckOhfuckOhfuck



...It was the most scared I had ever been...and the greatest movie I'd ever seen.


 It had everything you could ever want...kids defeating dinosaurs, mind-numbing terror, giant piles of poop, and even Jeff Goldblum!

Oh hey there ladies...I think my leg fell off around here somewhere...


 I, and pretty much every other kid, became Jurassic Park obsessed. I begged for the dino-damage toys, but never received them...alas... I played "Jurassic Park" in the playground every recess for a year...and when I got the VHS for Christmas, I watched it back-to-back for 8 hours straight...trying to extract every drop of what made it so incredible and stuff it into my memory.

Official merchandise?!

THRASHING ACTION?!!!

DINO DAMAGE?!!!!!!!


Even my favourite musician, Weird Al, got in on the dinosaur action!


*sniff sniff* Pure poetry....




Well, it's been almost 20 years since I first saw Jurassic Park...and it has been re-released in 3D IMAX.

Last night I went to see it again, trying to recapture the excitement, the terror, and the innocence of childhood or some crap like that...

The excitement was there, the thrill, the enjoyment...although, maybe not the unparallelled fear of a child who truly believes they are about to die... As the credits rolled, I sat back and couldn't help but reflect on the differences between the two theatrical viewings of one of my all-time favourite films...

Twenty years ago I watched the film sitting on my mother's lap, went to school the next day and flat-out lied to all my classmates about how I had seen it and not been even a little bit scared... Last night, I watched the movie sitting next to my husband (huh?), and then tweeted about it from a handheld computer (that is also a phone) on the internet (dafuq is dat?)...

With so much separating me from my 7 year old self, and the world of the early 1990s...I am very thankful that dinosaurs are still awesome, and that Spielberg made a film that is just as incredible today as it was to a 7 year old tomboy in June of 1993...



Friday, 5 April 2013

Once Upon a Time I Was on a Podcast

Once upon a time, I was on a podcast...

TRUTH, YO. <---Listen to my sultry sibilant S's here.

So. Much. Clop Clop.


And it looks like it is happening again...for better or for worse. Check out DrinkAlong.com in the next few days to see what exciting excitement is waiting for you!



You, after listening to DrinkAlong.com

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

I Got Sick.

I got sick. Real sick.


Which is to say I got a cold.


...a cold with a fever of 102.5F (39C for Canada and the rest of the modern world).


It was bad. It was unpleasant. It was, hands down, the sickest I have been since I was 12 years old with a fever of 103F, and stayed home sick watching "Batman Returns".


...Back then I had my mom to question whether or not I was really sick (or just had a case of "schoolitis"), and to nurse me back to health with Popsicles and subtle criticisms.




This time I was grown up sick.


...Grown up sick sucks.


Grown up sick means you have to weigh staying home and healing, versus not getting paid. It means that you run out of food because you can't go shopping. It means that your apartment looks like you died and cleaned nothing because...well...yea.


My husband took care of me on the weekend, but when he had to go to work during the week, there was no one to ask me if I was feeling okay. No one to make me food. No one to make sure I took medicine to keep my fever down...

...and as it turns out, without supervision OR Tylenol, I would most likely be dead now.



HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?!!


I woke up on the ironically named Good Friday with my throat feeling a bit dry. I wrote it off as a side effect of living with cats who habitually sleep on my face in an adorable attempt to smother me in my sleep.

We got up, bathed in coffee (as one does) and headed out to meet my folks and visit my Grandmother. All seemed good.

evil mastermind...obviously.
...but after visiting with my Grandmother, I felt...drained. Much more so than is normal when visiting family... We headed home, and discovered we needed some groceries. I managed to drag myself along with Mitch to the corner fruit & veg store to buy some lettuce. On the way back in the swelteringly hot 8C temp I insisted we grab some gelato and some more weather-appropriate ginger tea in an attempt to quash these were feelings of:

"OMFG I'M BOILING TO DEATH"
and
"OMFG I'M FREEZING TO DEATH"


Gelato was had, tea was drunk, but still, these nagging feelings of "YOUR BODY NEEDS YOU TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN" wouldn't dissipate...

We returned home. I sat down on the sofa, exhausted. My nose now running non-stop. I am alternating minute-to-minute between sweating and shivering...Solution?

"Mitch...can you make ramen...?"



Look, we all have our comfort foods...one of mine happens to be something that is shockingly not food-like, and is HORRIBLE for you. Oh whatever, I always add an egg...now it's a meal.


I weakly manage to eat my sad ramen meal...my body is disappointed in me. I am disappointed in my body...we have a short Mexican stand-off. My body wins by virtue of owning the playing field and I collapse into sickness.

For 3 days I barely leave the sofa. I wrap myself in a blanket, and watch a mix of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Doctor Who, and documentaries on the evolution of early humans...




As I slip in and out of consciousness, my core temp rising, I am plagued by guilt over the fact that I probably just infected my Grandmother and her entire nursing home with the most virulent plague-cold of all time.

Feels bad man.

...I am also guilt-ridden over not having done any work on my Doctor Who spec script (wherein they go back in time to see pre-historic humans, only to find modern day humans hanging around with Neanderthals...ooo, mystery!)

Also feels bad man.




Mitch heads out to visit his father...I am alone.





...the fever begins...the fever DREAMS begin...





Suddenly I am in my unwritten Doctor Who spec script...I dream of travelling back in time with the doctor to 50,000 years ago. We see Neanderthals and other early hominids...also some hipsters. I am overwhelmed by plot holes and claw my way back into waking life.



As I criticize myself for such a poorly written dream-world spec script, I notice that although I feel like I am freezing, my skin is hot to the touch...the thought of getting up and walking to the bathroom to get Tylenol fills me with dread...besides, there is a cat on me.



I fumble my way through Netflix...must find something soothing...something heart warming...AH HA! True Crime! Perfect!


My fever dreams now involve refrigerators full of body parts and vengeful lovers...I am disappoint in myself.

I'm Bill Kurtis...HAUNTING YOUR DREAMS!


Finally, Mitch returns home...I can only grunt in response to his annoying questions of "Are you okay?" and "Have you been drinking water at all?" and "OH MY GOD YOU'RE LIKE 1000 DEGREES!!!"

He gives me Tylenol, cold compresses, and takes away my blanket...the swine...! My fever begins to come down, in a semi-rational state I thank him...But I still want my blanket back...

He brings me Ichiban Ramen (because health?), and in thanks, I force him to watch "Keeping Up Appearances"...because my childhood of TVO and PBS demand it of me.

Dat face...


I fall asleep again to "Keeping Up Appearances"... my dreams are a horrifying cacophony of network-produced hallucinations...

hey gurl...

hey gurl...

hey gurl...

hey gurl...?

hey gurl...YOU GUNNA DIE!

Amidst dreams of Turkana Boy murdering his ex-wife and burying her in a shallow grave...I am awoken by explosions to this:


And this...


My dreams are becoming reality...Richard Bucket is working for angels who want to kill us all!!!!!





...or maybe I just need some more Tylenol.









Thanks for nursing me back to health Ramen...I mean, Mitch.


Monday, 11 March 2013

WIFT, Shaw, and Underemployment.

Last week, I fought back against what I see, as the chronic abuse of the young worker in Canada today...Unpaid Interning and underemployment. If you didn't see it, I went after multi-billion dollar company, Pattison, and you can read about it here.



I went after Pattison after they posted a "job" (albeit posted as "internship"...but still illegal) on the Women in Film and Television's forum for members. My reasoned, but critical, responses were removed from the board. The "job" posting was left untouched. At least 1 other message of support for my position was also removed. I received a sizable "cease and desist" email, acknowledging my position, and promising an official statement on the matter that would be sent out Friday...



Well, it's Monday. I haven't seen a damn thing except for WIFT desperately prostrating themselves before Pattison for forgiveness... NEWSFLASH WIFT: you are an organization that exists SOLELY for the members, and you are funded by our dues. If you can't even be bothered to stand up for our best interests (not working for below min wage in illegal positions), the very least you could do is not censor dissent, especially when it has the law on it's side.



Below is the full text of the email that was sent to me by WIFT. I have removed the name of the individual who sent it, to preserve her privacy:


Hello Claire,
I hope you’re well. I wanted to touch base with you regarding your posts on the Member Zone message board today. I want to let you know that I respect and appreciate your position on the issue of unpaid internships. I agree that our generation has faced some unique challenges when entering the workforce due to the state of our economy. People in artistic industries seem to be especially vulnerable to internships that do not adequately compensate them for the work being performed, and many people – myself included – have periodically found ourselves in situations where we have been asked to work outside the strictures of our jobs without being remunerated accordingly. So I appreciate that you have made an effort to become well informed on this issue and that you have attempted to encourage an open dialogue about it. I am concerned, however, about how that played out in this particular situation. At WIFT-T, we have been strongly encouraging our members to post job information on our message boards in an attempt to help combat the real problem of unemployment that permeates our industry. As you may or may not know, we have a large percentage of student members in our overall membership base who might have been delighted to know about this opportunity! Though I agree it is in everyone’s best interest to think critically and carefully about the job environments they enter, and I, like you, always want to encourage an open dialogue, I am concerned that these posts ask one person to be accountable for the validity and operational practices of her entire organization. The net result of this is that Sharon has been put in a very difficult position, one that challenges her integrity in front of industry professionals and peers what is intended to be a professional networking environment and, more importantly, a secure and safe forum for WIFT-T members. While I want to encourage further dialogue about this issue, I am going to delete these posts for the time being and put in a placeholder indicating that WIFT-T will issue a formal statement on the matter. I appreciate your understanding, and am open to discuss this with you by email or telephone at 416-322-3430 ext. 224. Though I cannot ask you to refrain discussing this further on your personal blog or on Facebook, I would ask that for the time being you refrain from posting about this matter any further on WIFT-T Member Zone.  
Thanks again, Claire, and I will be in touch soon.




Well, WIFT, you may have misplayed this terribly... the winds of change are starting to blow, and not in favour of companies like Pattison...I came across this gem on CBC News this morning:


The article is here, and details what has become the norm in the media industries...you work for free for months or years as an "intern", and when they DO deign to hire you, they hire you as an "independent contractor" without job security, benefits, holiday pay, OR the need for severance if they fire you.

IT IS ILLEGAL.

This is not just me, sitting and fabricating on my keyboard...this is illegal based on the current laws of employment and taxation in Canada. Check this out if you don't believe me! A handy summary is below:


Do you work in their office, with their tools, on their schedule? YOU ARE AN EMPLOYEE.



Do you have a boss? Who tells you what to do? Who has superiority over your activities? Who dictates your rate and pay schedule? YOU ARE AN EMPLOYEE.



Well, so what? Right? Who cares? "If you don't like the way someone does business, you should just leave!" Right?

WRONG.

The biggest hurdle in this battle against unpaid internships and underemployment is NOT getting the laws passed, they already exist! It's apathy and laziness. Why should we care if corporations abuse us, cheat on their taxes, drive our medians incomes into the poverty range, and download employer-responsibilities onto the shoulders of the worker?

WELL, IT SEEMS OBVIOUS...but if it isn't, think on this:

...if no-one can afford to buy consumer goods, there will be no demand for them. If there is no demand for them, the people who make them will be laid off. If people are laid off, they have less money for consumer goods. If no-one can afford to buy consumer goods, there will be no demand for them. If there is no demand for them...

Do you see where this is going? Kind of in a circular fashion? Yea. Not good. It's a race to the bottom that none of us really want to be a part of.


Surely the Prime Minister, Stephen Harper is there to fix all this, wot wot?


Not quite...


Stephen Harper will spend the time and resources to randomly check 1200 EI receivers, but not to go after multi-million dollar corporations that are cheating on their taxes openly!


But that's good, right? It's saving us money, right?


hurr durr, trickle-down economics, hurr durr!


Ahem, some facts:

  • The average after-tax  income for a non-elderly single Canada is: $27,500/yr.
  • The average weekly earnings for employee-status Canadians in 2012 was: $885.36
  • EI is calculated as: 55% of your average weekly earnings from the previous year, up to a max of $501/week. source
  • The maximum period you can claim EI is 52 weeks. source

...What does all that mean? 

It means that the AVERAGE Canadian on EI would be receiving $442.68/week, and that, over 52 weeks would amount to a total of: $23,019.36.

If we multiply that by the 1200 random people Stephen Harper was hoping to catch, we can hypothesize that he MIGHT have saved the taxpayer a grand total of: $32,423, 232...a little under $1 per Canadian...


NOW, let us consider the following facts:
  • Shaw is one of the country’s largest telecommunications companies, with several divisions across the country and 12,500 employees, as of 2011. The company reported net revenue of $250 million in one quarter last fall. source
  • There is money to be made in exploiting the worker and cheating on CPP and EI source-deductions, and if labour is 50% of the operating costs of a business...that's a LOT of money...source
  • Shaw posted a revenue of 4.74 billion in 2011
  • Oh, and Shaw's top 5 executives earned a combined 30.6 million in salary, bonuses, etc in 2012.
...So what does THAT mean?


It means that if we assume that even 10% of Shaw's 12,500 employees are under this "contractor" position, and they are earning an average Canadian yearly salary of $27,500:


  • The 1250 employees owe the government: $1357.92 each for CPP, and $503.25 each for EI, source
  • The employee owes 1.4 times the EI amount that each employee pays, approx. $704.55/employee.

Math means...wat?

The math would follow like this:

1250 employees x 704.55 in EI contributions from Shaw = 880,687.50 in missing taxes per year, plus CPP contribution, plus penalties in back taxes...

But...corporations are our friends, right? RIGHT?!!!


...And this doesn't even take into account the stresses that are brought onto the economy by not supplying people with health benefits. Oh, you need glasses? Your income goes down. Oh you caught strep throat and you need antibiotics? Your income goes down. Oh, you got cancer and you need to go on EI? 

GUESS WHO IS COMING TO YOUR DOOR TO MAKE SURE YOU AIN'T CHEATIN' THE GUBMENT?



Fuck. That. Shit.


So why are we so apathetic? Why aren't we fighting back? Because these companies who use illegal unpaid interns, or who string "independent contractors" along under the guise of future employment are the Traffickers of Hope.

They prey upon the desperate, the young, the naive, and they lie through their smiles and promise "future opportunities", "experience", and would swear on their mothers' graves that it is "a necessity in these uncertain economic times"... well, it's bullshit.

The 1930s were bad economic times:




These are just selfish times, where the rich grow richer on the backs of the rapidly disappearing middle class. Times are such that where Roosevelt created the New Deal...Stephen Harper is attacking Canadians collecting Employment Insurance THAT THEY HAVE ALREADY PAID INTO.



STEPHEN HARPER, when you create an economy and political ring where 35 BILLION DOLLARS can be freely spent on fighter jets that DON'T WORK, and we DON'T NEED, there is no possible way you can justify going door-to-door (literally) trying to catch an imagined 1200 Employment Insurance fraudsters. You cannot. It's bullshit.

SHAW COMMUNICATIONS, when you post an EBITDA of $2 Billion you cannot justify calling employees "independent contractors" and cheat on your taxes. It's illegal, and you are damaging this country and its economy by doing so. If you have $30.6 Million to divide up between 5 assholes, you can pay your employees properly AND legally. You selfish dickbags.

WIFT, shame on you for not having the guts or the character to stand up to corporate bullies and defend the laws of Canada, much less the rights of your members.

CANADA, stop being so fucking apathetic. Stop letting corporations give each other hand-jobs with YOUR money! Corporate tax breaks don't help you, they allow the top five executives at companies like Shaw Communications to piss on their employees and avoid putting money back into the economy, both by denying their "employees" a living wage, and by skirting their taxes.



It won't be easy to take back our right to be paid...It takes guts to stand up. It takes energy and drive to fight back. It takes courage to stand alone and say "No, this isn't right." ...So let's do it together.

I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes:






"The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience."

-  Atticus Finch, in Harper Lee's, To Kill a Mockingbird