Thursday, 8 March 2012

Things NOT to do on a Rainy Day in March.

If you are feeling depressed or uninspired, these are things I can recommend against doing...Especially on a rainy day in March:

  • Listening to Leonard Cohen...srsly, wtf are you doing? Hang on, I'll grab the razorblades and your journal...we can make a day of it.
  • Remembering that time in middle school when you hid in a closet and cried. This helps no one. In fact, this is exactly what most people repress memories to avoid.
  • Browsing your Facebook pictures and harshly criticising yourself...don't you have work to do?
  • Looking out the window. It's gross out there, stop.
  • Thinking about how nice it would be to have a cup of tea on your sofa RIGHT NOW. Shut up.
  • Remind yourself how much you rather be playing Skyrim. This is a direct route to serious depression.
Seriously...look how freakin' awesome that is...NOW STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
  • No listening to Pink Floyd. Just stop. Your 16 year old self used up your lifetime amount of plays.
  • Get off Reddit. You are now browsing the NSFW links in r/wtf. Pretty soon you'll be in r/spacedicks and NOBODY wants that.
  • Look away from the clock. It's not even lunchtime and you are not a Hobbit. You don't get elevensies. 
  • Don't think about your upcoming TTC journey home. Why the fuck would you do that? This is why you don't do that. Any way you look at it, it isn't going to be good:
Lousy Smarch weather!
Subway food!

You may even get accosted by Mayor McCheese!
Spadina sex!

  • Stop googling yourself. Chances are the only thing you're going to find is shameful.
  • Move away from the job search sites. They haven't posted anything in weeks, and you're to wound-up too write a cover letter without sounding like a psychopath.
  • DO NOT GOOGLE YOUR EXES. Chances are they are doing better than you, and on the off chance that they got fat, you're just going to feel depressed about entropy's increasing.
  •  Avoid going into the bathroom, and if you have to, avoid the mirror. The rain has turned you into a dripping frizzball and combined with staring at the computer for hours you look like a deranged hobo. No one needs to see that, least of all you.
  • Stop sending Facebook app invites. Nobody wants to play with you, and dredging up the buried emotions of the friendless 7 year old you once were is just NOT going to be good. 
  • Do not look at your old Livejournal account and re-read your shitty high school poetry. You are not Keats. Shit son, you're not even Dennis Lee.
where's my alligator pie, bitch?

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