Monday, 26 March 2012

Guilty. I Know that Feel, Bro.

Having a fish tank in an exercise in guilt.

First you shell out (what in retrospect) is far too much money for the tank, filter & pump, and decorations. Then you go out and buy some overpriced fish, and feel guilty about spending so much on what amounts to mindless swimming protein.

...but then your tank looks like this, and feel guilty about not having enough plants, so you go out and buy overpriced plants to make your fish-prison less overtly cruel.

Professor Puffington, and Secretary Joan.

So, now you have your pretty plants, and pretty tank, and pretty fish, and you are guilted into buying the expensive live food option...meaning, you now have a cup of blood worms in your fridge. Your husband's constant look of disgust and disapproval fills you with a cocktail of shame and guilt. Fabulous.

BUT THEN, the blood worms have parasites, and you have murdered your lovely (expensive) fish. You are wracked with guilt over, essentially, feeding your fish death. try to illicit sympathy (read: refund) out of the sketchy chinatown pet store for selling you parasite-filled blood worms, but no. They just offer you 10% off new fish purchases.

In a rage, you hurl the evil blood worms into the toilet and commit them to the are then filled with guilt over what must be a slow, damp, poopy death.

You think back to the time you had a beta fish, which you lovingly cared for...but died, without explanation on xmas day...while your grandparents were in feel guilty and ashamed. Then you need to bury it in the frozen earth, with wet secretly begrudge the beta fish...and feel guilty about it.
RIP Soos.

17 yr old me with wet hair and bad glasses is displeased.

So you wait a few years...but the fishies throw out their pretty lures, and you get drawn in again. This time you get cheap guppies. Guppies that have live-births, and provide a never-ending stream of fish...that slowly become further and further inbred.

You think things are going so well! There are even little baby fish in the tank! You are contributing to the circle of life! Huzzah!

...But then you google guppies, and realize that typically over 80 babies are released at a time...and you see 6. Either the remaining 74 have been sucked into the filter, and you are fish-Hitler, OR, your fish are horrible cannibal fish...and you are their god.

 = GUILT. feels bad man.

The tank gets dirty, guilt. The plants die, guilt. The food gets spilt, guilt. Snail infestation, guilt. Snail extermination, guilt. Fish is deformed and seems unhappy (see below), guilt.

Eric, the deformed fish.

So, remind me why the hell I keep doing this?!

Well, sometimes, things just kind of get in a good groove. And for a few blissful months weeks days your fish tank is a source of mildly cool goodness. Your cannibal fish make pretty babies, and they even let some live and join the inbred family!



Inbred beauty!

...Aaaaand then your husband calls you at work to tell you that a fish died and the other fish ate most of it before it could be sent to a cold, damp, poopy grave... and once again:



Office bathroom update! Someone has smeared a booger and some kind of lotion on the wall. I will abstain from posting pictures.

Touché "ladies"...touché.

No comments:

Post a Comment