Surviving in a Survival Situation...or not.

I went indoor-climbing on the weekend, for the first time since I was about 11 years old...I also got to try bouldering:

Within minutes all the muscles in my forearms and fingers that I never knew about were making themselves heard...and they were pissed.

I watched 50 year olds, 10 year olds, and many in between scramble like monkey-men up walls and under 45 degree slopes...with ease, naturally.

I attempted to do the same...

it didn't really work out...

full of shame...and bruises.

Over several hours I got to a point where I could almost complete a yellow bouldering challenge (the second easiest level...the 10 year old aced it...sigh).


I watched some incredible climbers, swinging by only their fingertips, or leaping sideways across a wall to grab a hold the size of a cupcake (on a sidenote, I had a cupcake for breakfast. I'm content with my choices...?) , and I felt like maybe with a lot of practice, I could be leaping through the air to grab cupcakes too. Er...holds. Not cupcakes... (mmm, cupcakes).


Then I went home and, inspired by my new found climbing skills, watched The Descent ( it's pretty awesome, same director as Dog Soldiers)...thinking that my mad skillz could (potentially) save me from horrible cave-dwelling humanoid monsters...and then I saw this scene:

And realized that I would reach for the first hold, and immediately plummet to my death. Swearing up a storm the whole way down.

I started to reflect on what skills for survival I actually possessed...

• I can catch fish with my bare hands - so I could feed myself
• Able to climb hills and get electrocuted - good for surviving alien invasions in hilly terrain
• History of repressing overcoming depression in the face of adversity - unlikely to crack under the pressure of being hunted by monsters
• I also know how to use a piece of plastic to collect water via condensation in a dessert survival situation!

Very bad flaws that I am burdened with for survival situation:

• Slow runner (gonna get eaten by fast zombies)
• No long-distance running ability (gonna get eaten by slow-but-persistent zombies)
• Myopic eyesight (without contacts or glasses, I can't tell if you are a friend, or a giant monster)
• Not good at hanging from cave ceilings (will fall or get eaten, cave-dweller dependent)
• Allergic to various things found in nature (will give away hiding places to serial killers when sneezing)
• Easily distracted (will venture off alone to investigate strange noises)
• Cat lover (most likely to invite demon-possessed cat into social circle)
• Will touch unknown flora (will give away position when screaming about firefly-floors)
• Has been known to argue over details... (high likelihood of starting war with cannibal neighbours in the post-apocalyptic future)

...Hmmm, this list isn't giving me very good chances of survival in any situation, much less one involving zombies, serial killers, or cannibals...

On the bright side, Rob Ford is unlikely to drive to a post-apocalyptic future in his 2 remaining years as mayor...but if he gets a second term...I'll be stocking up on axes and Benadryl!